Dear Professor Brad,
My name is Hilman Ansari, and I am currently pursuing a degree in telematics at Singapore Institute of Technology (SIT). The course that I am taking right now is not actually in line with what I took in polytechnic, and it is mainly because of my sudden interest in the automotives and transport sector. Having a strong passion for motorcyles, I strongly believe that this course could help me expand my knowledge about the industry and provide me with a better understanding on vehicles.
Apart from my passion for motorcycles, I also have an undying passion for silat. It has been close to 16 years since I first joined the silat club. Over the years, I held important roles that include being the vice captain for Temasek Polytechnic silat team. During the appointed term, I was tasked to conduct trainings and lead a team of more than 20 people. It was not an easy year for me as I had to juggle between school, planning out the trainings and executing them. But all of it was made bearable for me with the help of my committee members who had their own roles to play. I was grateful for the opportunity given despite the difficulties faced as it enhanced myself in leadership skills.
Having good communication skills is essential as we move to the working world. Thus, I believe that this module can be very useful as it tackles on that aspect. These skills are something that I have been wanting to develop over the past few years after I realised the importance of it. It is something that I am lacking in and I am constantly looking for ways to improve myself. One of the ways that helped me build up on my communication skill is by working at Decathlon as a sports advisor. There are a lot of interactions going on with customers, colleagues, superiors, and it slowly made me step out of my comfort zone as i became more confident in talking to people.
I hope with this module, I can improve on my communication skills even further and eventually becomes someone who is very confident in talking, especially to a big group of people. I look forward for a fruitful learning experience.
Regards,
Hilman
[commented on Jerome]
[Last edited: 10/10/2018]
For the 3rd paragraph 1st sentence: "Having good communication skills is essential as we move to the working world", the sentence could be: "Having good communication skills is essential as we move on to the working world". And for the 4th paragraph 1st sentence: "...improve my communication skills even further and eventually becomes someone that is very confident...", it could be written as: "...eventually become someone who is very...". Overall, the content and structure of your email is clear and concise with all the important points being written out with elaborations based on your own personal experiences.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your feedback
DeleteDear Hilman,
ReplyDeleteThank you for this fairly detailed reflection. It is clear and, in some ways, comprehensive, especially as you discuss your interests since you provide lots of useful info. Your ideas also flow quite well. I especially like the way you connect your interest in motorcycles with your choice of study and future career and the manner in which you connect silat and your leaderships skills.
I feel, however, that you could do a better job of discussing your strengths and weaknesses in communication. Your section on communication now is too broad and unfocused. You could actually connect the reference you make to leadership to a strength.
Also, it seems that you just throw a goal in at the end.
There are also a few minor language issues in this draft. Please review the following:
1. capitalization
-- being the Vice Captain for Temasek Polytechnic Silat Team. >>> being the vice captain for Temasek Polytechnic silat team.
2. punctuation
-- The course that I am taking right now is not actually in line with what I took in polytechnic and it is mainly because of my sudden interest in the automotives and transport sector. >>> (missing comma) ?
-- Thus I believe that this module can be very useful as it tackles on that aspect. >>> (after the transition word)
-- My name is Hilman Ansari and I am currently pursuing a degree... >>> (missing comma)
see https://www.thepunctuationguide.com/comma.html
3. phrasing
-- The experience gained has allowed me to enhance myself in leadership skills. >>> (use of reflexive pronoun)
-- This skill >>> (Actually, communication involves many skills and competencies.)
-- It is a trait that I am lacking in... >>> (Skill and trait are different, no?)
-- Decathlon as a sports advisor >>> (great! but pls explain what Decathlon is.)
-- with customers, colleagues, superior, >>> (parallel structures?)
4. verb issues
-- that has help >>> (wrong form) ?
-- There are a lot of interactions going on with customers, colleagues, superior, and it slowly made me step out of my comfort zone. >>> ?
-- I hope with this module, I could improve my communication skills even further and eventually becomes someone that is very confident in talking, especially to a big group of people. >>> (tense consistency?)
I look forward to assisting you further this term.
Cheers,
Brad
Hi prof brad,
DeleteThank you for your constructive feedback. It has given me an idea on how to improve on my writing. I will work on the necessary amendments that you have highlighted.